SchmoopyBaby has been really in to kisses for the last couple of weeks. He'll run up to me with his face tilted up, his mouth in a sort-of open pucker with his bottom lip protruding a little bit. When I give him a kiss, then he'll run up to John and do the same thing. Then back to Mommy for a kiss, then back to Daddy for a kiss. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Really, it's so insanely cute my head could just explode.
Although, it's a little funny when we are horse-playing around, wrestling and being rowdy, and all of the sudden he'll plant a big wet toddler kiss right smack on my mouth.
I am so lucky to have such a sweet, affectionate little guy.
Even his teddy bear has been getting more kisses lately. At bedtime, SchmoopyBaby will hold Teddy up to my face so I can give Teddy goodnight kisses, then he gives Teddy goodnight kisses himself. Then he'll bring Teddy's hand to the side of his face in our sign for "good-night".
Then he'll hurl Teddy as hard as he can into his bed with a Squee.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Girls and Math
Apparently there’s been quite a lot of press about a study that was recently published, linking math anxiety of female elementary school teachers with girl math anxiety. I learned about the study through this article by Ashley from Small Strokes (appearing in the Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists), who expressed frustration that the study included no male teachers, and anger towards the implication that “it is clearly the female teachers’ fault that their female students hate math”.
It’s interesting for me to think about female math anxiety, as someone who is a woman and has a degree in mathematics. I never feared math growing up as a schoolgirl. I was good at math, although I freely admit I did find most of it to be terribly tedious and uninteresting until I took calculus. (Ah, Calculus, when the angels in my head danced for joy and excitement… but I digress)
What’s more, I cannot say that I ever perceived my elementary school teachers, all of them women, ever expressing any kind of anxiety or aversion towards math. Upon my first read of the news reports, I couldn’t help but wonder, are female elementary school teachers more math anxious today than they were 30 years ago? If they are more math-anxious, why are they so? What can be done to ease women’s anxiety about math, whether they pursue careers in education or something completely unrelated? Why have I never been math-anxious when so many other women are?
In these two articles that appeared in Science Daily, the same basic conclusions are reached.
(1) Girls throughout the world have the same innate ability in mathematics as boys, as proven by standardized test scores
(2) Boys in the U.S. have more confidence in their math skills than girls,
(3) In cultures when there is more gender equality (as defined by more women role models in research related positions, and more educational opportunities and job opportunities for women in fields that require advanced knowledge of math) more girls excel in math and choose math-related careers.
I am among a minority of women who pursued mathematics and/or science in education and career. I am also a woman of privilege in this country. White, suburban middle-class, both parents college graduates. Education was a top priority in my family growing up. It was never “If you go to college…” it was always “When you go to college…” I attended public magnet schools in junior high and high school, and I was surrounded by other kids who, like me, were highly motivated and highly academically inclined. Everyone was pushed equally hard at my school, and was indeed expected to succeed in every class – science or humanities.
Also, and perhaps more importantly, I had two parents that had known familial oppression and didn’t want to pass that on to their own children. “You can’t do...” and “You aren’t good at...” were simply not part of their vocabulary. I was fed messages that I could be whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I could.
These are the messages that all children should receive – boy or girl.
I happen to be the mother of a boy child. Although I cannot stop the bombardment of messages he will receive from his teachers, friends, and the rest of the world as he grows up, my son will know that women are good at math because his mother is. If he chooses a path in life towards math, science, or engineering, I hope that he will assume that women in those fields are as normal and natural as his own mother giving him hugs, reading him bedtime stories, and helping him with his math homework.
It’s interesting for me to think about female math anxiety, as someone who is a woman and has a degree in mathematics. I never feared math growing up as a schoolgirl. I was good at math, although I freely admit I did find most of it to be terribly tedious and uninteresting until I took calculus. (Ah, Calculus, when the angels in my head danced for joy and excitement… but I digress)
What’s more, I cannot say that I ever perceived my elementary school teachers, all of them women, ever expressing any kind of anxiety or aversion towards math. Upon my first read of the news reports, I couldn’t help but wonder, are female elementary school teachers more math anxious today than they were 30 years ago? If they are more math-anxious, why are they so? What can be done to ease women’s anxiety about math, whether they pursue careers in education or something completely unrelated? Why have I never been math-anxious when so many other women are?
In these two articles that appeared in Science Daily, the same basic conclusions are reached.
(1) Girls throughout the world have the same innate ability in mathematics as boys, as proven by standardized test scores
(2) Boys in the U.S. have more confidence in their math skills than girls,
(3) In cultures when there is more gender equality (as defined by more women role models in research related positions, and more educational opportunities and job opportunities for women in fields that require advanced knowledge of math) more girls excel in math and choose math-related careers.
I am among a minority of women who pursued mathematics and/or science in education and career. I am also a woman of privilege in this country. White, suburban middle-class, both parents college graduates. Education was a top priority in my family growing up. It was never “If you go to college…” it was always “When you go to college…” I attended public magnet schools in junior high and high school, and I was surrounded by other kids who, like me, were highly motivated and highly academically inclined. Everyone was pushed equally hard at my school, and was indeed expected to succeed in every class – science or humanities.
Also, and perhaps more importantly, I had two parents that had known familial oppression and didn’t want to pass that on to their own children. “You can’t do...” and “You aren’t good at...” were simply not part of their vocabulary. I was fed messages that I could be whatever I wanted, achieve whatever I could.
These are the messages that all children should receive – boy or girl.
I happen to be the mother of a boy child. Although I cannot stop the bombardment of messages he will receive from his teachers, friends, and the rest of the world as he grows up, my son will know that women are good at math because his mother is. If he chooses a path in life towards math, science, or engineering, I hope that he will assume that women in those fields are as normal and natural as his own mother giving him hugs, reading him bedtime stories, and helping him with his math homework.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A Natural Dad
Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners!
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we're writing about how a co-parent has or has not supported us in our dedication to natural parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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This month’s theme for the Carnival of Natural Parenting is Love and Partners: How has a co-parent supported your dedication to natural parenting – or not?
I have a bit of a problem with this theme as it is written. I feel like the frame of the question implies that I am the only person responsible for making parenting choices in my home, and my partner has but two options – support me in my parenting choices or not. However, I cannot write about how John has supported me in my parenting style without crediting his influence with developing our co-parenting style and writing about how we have supported each other’s dedication to those aspects of natural parenting that are meaningful to each of us. We are a family. We support each other. We make decisions together. While I could probably say that our parenting styles started out at a slightly different point, we have evolved together on our co-parenting journey and have found ourselves in a place where neither one of us might have expected.
Take cloth diapers for example – they were actually his idea, not mine. All I knew about cloth diapers when I got pregnant is that they involved safety pins and rubber pants – certainly more hassle than I imagined I would be willing to deal with. And all the additional laundry – what working mom has time for that? Nonetheless, when he suggested it for the environmental benefits I had to agree with some of his arguments so I did some online research. Holy cow, was I surprised with what I found! Prefolds, fitteds, covers, pockets, all-in-ones, all-in-twos! So many options, which to choose!? My hormonal pregnant brain was so overwhelmed, I actually cried.
The two of us together went to an introductory cloth diapering workshop hosted by a local boutique for natural-parenting-friendly items. It was there we spoke with other cloth diapering mamas and decided to try one-size pocket diapers.
Now, I should mention here for anyone who doesn’t already know, that John is the stay at home dad while I work during the day, which means he changes A LOT of diapers. I sometimes have to smile when I see advertisements for cloth diapers that claim to be “so easy, they’re husband-friendly”. No worries about that in this household!
John’s influence goes way beyond what we put on SchmoopyBaby’s bottom. Knowing I was hoping and planning for a natural, unmedicated childbirth, it was John who convinced me to switch doctors at the beginning of the third trimester when my current doctor started trying to scare me into agreeing to an early induction based on my risk factors. It was also John’s idea to take me to a midwife for a nutritional consultation where we were introduced to super greens and the pH miracle diet. It was John who made sure we always had fresh spinach and kale salad prepared in the house, and religiously went through the relaxation exercises we learned in Bradley class with me every night. Although my pregnancy did ultimately end in an induction at 39 weeks due to pre-eclampsia, I doubt I would have made it to 39 weeks without his constant support.
Are we on the same page all the time? Certainly not. We both continue to challenge each other on important and difficult decisions. But he is my partner in every sense of the word, which means we make decisions together and we support each other in our mutual dedication to natural co-parenting.
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Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated Feb. 9 with all the carnival links, and all links should be active by noon EST. Go to Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama for the most recently updated list.)
- A Thank You to my Husband — Lactating Girl at The Adventures of Lactating Girl thanks her husband for keeping her grounded and giving her unwavering support in the face of discouragement from within and without. (@lactatinggirl)
- My Reverse Traditional Husband In the Wild — Paige at Baby Dust Diaries gives us a lesson on how dads in the wild parent their young. Can you guess which male animal actually nurses its young? (@babydust)
- February Carnival of Natural Parenting — TopHat at The Bee in Your Bonnet tells us how the patience of a partner can make a difficult breastfeeding relationship succeed. (@TopHat8855)
- Parenting Together — For Alison at BluebirdMama and her husband, parenting is simply an extension of the way they live. (@childbearing)
- If We Had A MIllion Dollars — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! and her husband would both agree to be crunchier parents if they had a million dollars to ease the way. (@bfmom)
- February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Co-Parents — Dionna at Code Name: Mama has written a letter to her husband, thanking him for his incredible support in every aspect of their natural parenting journey. (@CodeNameMama)
- Natural Parenting Fathers — Sarah at Natural Parenting is balancing being all there for her son with being present for her husband. (@considereden)
- Just Wonderful: Love and Partners and Natural Parenting — Zoey at Good Goog let her husband lead her to babywearing and cosleeping. (@zoeyspeak)
- All that stuff I don't get comes so easy to him — The Grumbles is taking this opportunity to say thank you to her husband for his mad parenting skills. (@thegrumbles)
- The Power of Having a Supportive Co-Parent — Chrystal at Happy Mothering and her husband started with vaccinations and moved on from there. (@HappyMothering)
- February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Love and partners — Lauren at Hobo Mama makes do with babbling incoherently about how her husband practices natural parenting in such an effortless fashion, with bonus video. (@Hobo_Mama)
- Love and Partners — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog shares her husband's moving account of her birth story, and his testament to the power of a woman. (@myzerowaste)
- labor support... — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children is thankful that her partner has provided her immeasurable labor support through each of their last three unassisted homebirths (and will again for their upcoming fourth!).
- What co-parent? On prams, routines, ideals, sickness, and finding my way alone. — Ruth at Look Left of the Pleiades describes life without a present co-parent: making new choices and taking care of things herself. (@brightravenmum)
- Parenting With Support — How many people can say that their husband talked them into cloth diapering? Darcel at The Mahogany Way can! (@MahoganyWayMama)
- Co-Parenting Support — Summer at Mama2Mama Tips knows the importance of being supported in the face of criticism. (@mama2mamatips)
- Natural Parenting Carnival: Love and Partners — pchanner at A Mom's Fresh Start has been blessed with an incredibly involved partner. Her husband loves to take part in every aspect of parenting! (@pchanner)
- Daddy's Little Girls — Kate Wicker at Momopoly finds her husband right at home in a tangle of girls. (@Momopoly)
- How do I love my parenting partner? Let me count the ways. — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker is thankful that she and her partner co-parent fluidly and gracefully. (@mamamilkers)
- Interview with a Daddy — NavelgazingBajan brings us a highly amusing peek into her husband's perspective.
- Being Supported in Natural Parenting — Sarah at OneStarryNight has witnessed both ends of the parenting spectrum, and is grateful she found a father who is comfortable with natural parenting. (@starrymom)
- Moments in time: a love letter — Arwyn at Raising My Boychick will make you cry with the beautiful way she describes the complete relationship between father and child. (@RaisingBoychick)
- Natural parenting converts — Jen at Recovering Procrastinator brought her reluctant husband around to cloth diapers, bed sharing, and time-ins as a discipline method. (@jenwestpfahl)
- Breastfeeding Father — Amber Strocel at Strocel.com describes how her husband helped her overcome the breastfeeding challenges she encountered with her premature daughter. (@AmberStrocel)
- A Natural Parenting Village — Acacia from Art, Body & Soul, in a guest post for Jamie at Suddenly Stay at Home, broadens the term "coparents" to embrace supportive extended family on both sides. (@SuddnlyStyAtHme)
- A Natural Dad — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest doesn't have a husband who merely supports her — she has a husband just as dedicated to natural parenting as she is.
- Love and Support From My (sometimes pantsless) Man — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma describes life with the sometimes bumbling but always lovable Pantsless Man. (@kitchenwitch)
- G-O-T-E-A-M! — Jessica at This Is Worthwhile made sure her future husband agreed with her parenting choices early in their dating. (@tisworthwhile)
- how we come to parenthood — Michelle at womanseekingmother dances with her husband around the subject of cosleeping. (@seekingmother)
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Thank You and A Credo
First off, I'd like to thank all my friends and family for their kind words and support. I really am so touched, I even had a couple of out of town friend offer to brave traffic to Vegas on the upcoming 3 day holiday weekend just to come give me hugs and support. Thank you so much, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your warm thoughts.
That brings me to the next part of this post. I've been a bit hormonal lately. Which is to say, anytime someone (John) says something 'wrong' (every time he opens his mouth) I've been having a tendency to react somewhat strongly (like flying into a rage or breaking into tears). Although it's temping to say "I'm entitled to be a bit off this week" the fact of the matter is there is no excuse for not communicating in a more productive manner. So when I received the Gordon Institute's monthly newsletter and saw that it was the Credo For My Relationships with Others I thought it was so aptly timed, I would repeat it here. One note, when John and I took the Parent Effectiveness Training class, our instructor had been studying, teaching, and living the Gordon methods for 20 years. She is a real "Gordon purist" and had us alter the instructional materials a bit because "they redid the teaching materials to make them more up to date, but they changed things in such a way that Thomas Gordon would have never said!" So here is Gordon's Credo for My Relationships with Others, with her minor modifications. This credo is intended for everyone - partners, parents, children, friends, co-workers - if there is a relationship involved, this applies.
You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. We are also two separate persons with our own individual values and needs.
So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open in our communication.
When you are experiencing a problem in your life, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding in order to help you find your own solutions rather than imposing mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.
At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, you will tell me openly so I can change my behavior.
And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine—neither will lose.
In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.
Dr. Thomas Gordon
©1978 Gordon Training International
That brings me to the next part of this post. I've been a bit hormonal lately. Which is to say, anytime someone (John) says something 'wrong' (every time he opens his mouth) I've been having a tendency to react somewhat strongly (like flying into a rage or breaking into tears). Although it's temping to say "I'm entitled to be a bit off this week" the fact of the matter is there is no excuse for not communicating in a more productive manner. So when I received the Gordon Institute's monthly newsletter and saw that it was the Credo For My Relationships with Others I thought it was so aptly timed, I would repeat it here. One note, when John and I took the Parent Effectiveness Training class, our instructor had been studying, teaching, and living the Gordon methods for 20 years. She is a real "Gordon purist" and had us alter the instructional materials a bit because "they redid the teaching materials to make them more up to date, but they changed things in such a way that Thomas Gordon would have never said!" So here is Gordon's Credo for My Relationships with Others, with her minor modifications. This credo is intended for everyone - partners, parents, children, friends, co-workers - if there is a relationship involved, this applies.
You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. We are also two separate persons with our own individual values and needs.
So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open in our communication.
When you are experiencing a problem in your life, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding in order to help you find your own solutions rather than imposing mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.
At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, you will tell me openly so I can change my behavior.
And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other's losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine—neither will lose.
In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.
Dr. Thomas Gordon
©1978 Gordon Training International
Friday, February 5, 2010
My Pregnancy Loss Story
So I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I go to the bathroom at work for a routine pee, which, those of you who have been pregnant before will remember, is like every 10 minutes. As I was finishing I looked down. Upon seeing a toilet full of red I just about jumped out of my skin and my first thought was “Gross! Some woman at work had her period and forgot to flush! EEUUWW! Why do people have to be so nasty?! I can’t believe I missed that when I came in!” (yep, when in doubt, blame someone else)
And then the second thought was “Wait a minute, how could I have missed that when I came in. Maybe it wasn’t already there. Maybe it’s…. me?” It was me.
Allow me to start from the beginning. On Friday, January 22, I tested positive for pregnancy. On Monday, January 25, I tested positive a second time. This was somewhat, but not much, of a surprise. We hadn’t been actively trying to conceive the way we were when trying for SchmoopyBaby. We were merely being what I like to call “consciously careless”.
So why didn’t I tell anyone? I felt good. More than that, I felt great. I felt FANTASTIC! I felt too good to be true. Anyone that’s known me for more than a couple of years knows how much I hated being pregnant with SchmoopyBaby. So sick I want to die – that’s the feeling I associate with a healthy pregnancy. This feeling great business – I didn’t trust it. So I kind of had it in the forefront of my mind that this pregnancy could very well end in miscarriage. That is why, after over a week, we told no one but our immediate families.
After the bathroom incident I called my doctor’s office. They had me come in for a blood test and then told me I’d need to come back in 2 days for a follow up blood test. My first results were not good. My hormone levels were lower than they should be for a healthy, viable pregnancy. The writing was on the wall. Of course, I hadn’t stopped bleeding the entire time, so it was completely obvious to me what was happening.
I got official confirmation from my doctor’s office this morning. My hCG level on Monday was 238. On Wednesday it was 61. I called John to let him know the news, and then I broke down. I made a quick dash to the bathroom so no one at the office would see or hear me cry. I don’t know why that phone call affected me so strongly when I already knew I had miscarried. I already knew, I had already accepted, I had already made peace and moved on. There is something about hearing an official diagnosis that somehow makes it more, I don’t know, real, concrete, official.
So why am I sharing this bad news now? I’m sad. I both want to talk about it and don’t want to talk about it, which is why I’m sharing it in the form of a written story. I know it’s very impersonal, but calling everyone I’m close to and telling everyone and talking about it and rehashing it multiple times is not something I am particularly up for at the moment.
Even though I am sad now, I will be fine. Like I said, I was kind of psychologically preparing myself for this possibility, and have more or less made peace with it. Everything happens for a reason, this was just not the right time. SchmoopyBaby still needs me, and I’m not really ready to make him share me yet. He’s not 100% weaned and I was really hoping to have him weaned before I got pregnant again. This takes off the pressure of trying to wean him by some deadline before he’s really ready. I know several women who have tandem breastfed - more power to them, but I know my limits and that is one of them. I can nurse one child at a time, I don’t want to nurse two. Let’s face it, we weren’t really ready quite yet for #2.
Do you love the way I rationalize away any negative feelings? What? I’m a Virgo, that’s what we do.
So no more being careless for me. Next time (and yes, I’m reasonably sure there will be a next time) all necessary precautions will be taken until we are sure we are ready. I’ll eat better, take vitamins more regularly, all that good stuff that creates a healthy baby-making environment. Until then, I appreciate any happy thoughts you care to send my way.
And then the second thought was “Wait a minute, how could I have missed that when I came in. Maybe it wasn’t already there. Maybe it’s…. me?” It was me.
Allow me to start from the beginning. On Friday, January 22, I tested positive for pregnancy. On Monday, January 25, I tested positive a second time. This was somewhat, but not much, of a surprise. We hadn’t been actively trying to conceive the way we were when trying for SchmoopyBaby. We were merely being what I like to call “consciously careless”.
So why didn’t I tell anyone? I felt good. More than that, I felt great. I felt FANTASTIC! I felt too good to be true. Anyone that’s known me for more than a couple of years knows how much I hated being pregnant with SchmoopyBaby. So sick I want to die – that’s the feeling I associate with a healthy pregnancy. This feeling great business – I didn’t trust it. So I kind of had it in the forefront of my mind that this pregnancy could very well end in miscarriage. That is why, after over a week, we told no one but our immediate families.
After the bathroom incident I called my doctor’s office. They had me come in for a blood test and then told me I’d need to come back in 2 days for a follow up blood test. My first results were not good. My hormone levels were lower than they should be for a healthy, viable pregnancy. The writing was on the wall. Of course, I hadn’t stopped bleeding the entire time, so it was completely obvious to me what was happening.
I got official confirmation from my doctor’s office this morning. My hCG level on Monday was 238. On Wednesday it was 61. I called John to let him know the news, and then I broke down. I made a quick dash to the bathroom so no one at the office would see or hear me cry. I don’t know why that phone call affected me so strongly when I already knew I had miscarried. I already knew, I had already accepted, I had already made peace and moved on. There is something about hearing an official diagnosis that somehow makes it more, I don’t know, real, concrete, official.
So why am I sharing this bad news now? I’m sad. I both want to talk about it and don’t want to talk about it, which is why I’m sharing it in the form of a written story. I know it’s very impersonal, but calling everyone I’m close to and telling everyone and talking about it and rehashing it multiple times is not something I am particularly up for at the moment.
Even though I am sad now, I will be fine. Like I said, I was kind of psychologically preparing myself for this possibility, and have more or less made peace with it. Everything happens for a reason, this was just not the right time. SchmoopyBaby still needs me, and I’m not really ready to make him share me yet. He’s not 100% weaned and I was really hoping to have him weaned before I got pregnant again. This takes off the pressure of trying to wean him by some deadline before he’s really ready. I know several women who have tandem breastfed - more power to them, but I know my limits and that is one of them. I can nurse one child at a time, I don’t want to nurse two. Let’s face it, we weren’t really ready quite yet for #2.
Do you love the way I rationalize away any negative feelings? What? I’m a Virgo, that’s what we do.
So no more being careless for me. Next time (and yes, I’m reasonably sure there will be a next time) all necessary precautions will be taken until we are sure we are ready. I’ll eat better, take vitamins more regularly, all that good stuff that creates a healthy baby-making environment. Until then, I appreciate any happy thoughts you care to send my way.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists
You MUST check out the Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists, hosted by Zero at the Bone. There are so many good pieces of writing! I haven't had time to read them all (there's a lot) but the articles I have read have been really amazing. Some are thought-provoking, some inspiring, some disturbing, some really challenged me to think from a totally new perspective. Check it out. I may have to comment on some of these issues when I get a chance.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Satan versus Pat Robertson
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