Here’s a clue…

because I am amazed at just how many people need to catch one.

It is not necessary to remind a woman how old she is the week after she birthed a dead baby embryo into a toilet. It is also not necessary to tell her that her eggs are probably no good because of her age.

First, the vast majority of women know how old they are.

Second, if the woman is over the age of 35, I can assure you the thought has already crossed her mind that her age might be related to the pregnancy loss. She doesn’t need you to remind her. Seriously. Most women over the age of 35 have been hearing the news for quite some time that age matters when it comes to fertility. We know this. You aren’t adding any new additional helpful information, and quite frankly, shoving it into a woman’s face when she’s obviously grieving is FUCKING INSENSITIVE.

You know what I need?

I need a way to cope that doesn’t involve poisoning my body with junk food (seriously not productive – this is the only body I’ve got, and I need it to be in good condition if I want it to be a place where a developing baby can thrive)

or lying in bed when I should be sleeping, imagining myself screaming angry obscenities at insensitive jackasses.

Cookbook Giveaway!

Alisa at One Frugal Foodie is holding a very cool giveaway of 4 vegan cookbooks! Go check it out here.

What? You aren't vegan and have no idea what you would do with 4 vegan cookbooks? Well, I suppose I could take them off your hands. Especially considering my birthday is approaching soon.... ehem. ;-)

Wordless Wednesday - Two Year Old Meets Hair Gel

who doesn't care about this exciting development?!

Guess who just did his first poo-poo on the potty?

I'm so excited!

Yes, I realize post this makes me the biggest dork on the internet. I don't care.

:-P

Let's take a step back, shall we?

It has come to my attention through a bit of feedback that my last post was a bit... ehem... Out there. Abrupt. Perhaps a bit harsh.

Perhaps that gives you a clue to my current state of mind, at least.

Anyway, by means of explanation, in case my last post wasn't altogetherly clear, I had another miscarriage. My second in a row. I'm reeling quite a bit because I really wasn't expecting it this time around.

Everything seemed to going well. I went in for two blood tests. HCg levels high and rising. Good. Progesterone levels high. Good. Ultrasound showing heartbeat. Good. Blip on the ultrasound screen measuring at 0.5 cm, timing it at 6 weeks 1 day. A little younger than I was expecting but my cycles are long and slightly irregular (31-35 days typically) so OK. The doctor says "See you in 4 weeks." OK, good.

I've been tired. I've been moody. I've been hungry. Yes, I know that sounds just like my normal everyday self, but I was even more tired and moody and hungry than my usual self. And I got nauseous. If I went for too long without eating a little bit, or if I ate too much at one time, I would get nauseous. And so I thought everything was progressing as it should be. I bought some new super cute newborn size cloth diapers that I found on sale. I got a stylish new nursing cover.

Then I go to the doctor. I should be at about 10 1/2 weeks by now. Ultrasound on my belly isn't showing anything. Hmm. Doctor wants to go transvaginal. Delightful. I get an ultrasound probe. There's a large-ish blob. Everything is still. No heartbeat. The blob looks empty, but no, there's something tiny in there. A tiny blip that is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days.

My body has been lying to me for almost 4 weeks. The deception! And you see, this is what makes me so mad. The deception, the betrayal of my body. Leading me on, leading me to think that I had a viable developing baby growing inside me. The nausea! What about the nausea! Do you know, even the day after I found out it was dead, my body had the audacity to make me nauseous again!

This is what is killing me. The fact that now I don't think I can trust my body again. If I get pregnant again, it doesn't matter what symptoms I have or how long I have them. I just won't know. I won't have any idea if everything is ok or if I'm carrying another dead baby for a month.

My doctor was leaving town the next day for a week long vacation. So, we decided to give it one more week to see if my body would get the memo and start taking care of things on its own. We tentatively scheduled a d&c for the week he returns. Well, apparently I have either obsessed over it enough or people have been sending enough kind and healing thoughts, because on Tuesday night things started happening. I do not believe a d&c will be necessary at this point. I'm a little relieved because I wasn't exactly looking forward to carrying around a dead baby for another week and undergoing a surgical procedure. On the other hand I kind of wish I could have gotten the d&c because then they could have sent the tissue to a lab for some analysis to see if they could find a cause.

Thank you to my friends and family that have sent kind thoughts and support. This is a bit of a difficult time. I know I will get through it just fine, and I still haven't given up hope of having another child. Once my body finishes doing its thing and I've healed physically, I will focus on healing emotionally and figure out what my next steps are going to be.

Much love to everyone, and sticky baby dust to everyone who needs it!!

What I haven't been writing about

but haven't been able to stop thinking about (except during the move this weekend - moving is a great distraction)...

The dead baby inside my uterus that won't leave.

Strike 2.

We're Home!

That is to say, we are officially moved in to our new home! The place still looks like chaos and I am exhausted after a busy weekend, but it's going to be nice. Still adjusting to living in a 2-story home. Boy, am I out of shape! Boy am I getting my stairmaster workout!

Pictures will be forthcoming when you can see something other than boxes and clutter in every room.

Quick and Easy Beans and Greens

I accidentally bought mustard greens instead of kale when I went shopping earlier this week. Um, yeah, I was in a hurry and had SchmoopyBoy with me and um, yeah. whoops. So I cooked mustard greens for the first time, having no idea how they would turn out. I also used coconut oil for the first time, so this entire recipe was somewhat of an experiment. I thought it turned out quite nice, so I thought I would share. I've been hearing so many great things about coconut oil, so I finally took the plunge and bought a jar. The coconut oil really added a nice aroma to this dish, and I liked the subtle flavor it added. I think for this recipe I would still prefer kale, but the mustard greens were just fine.

Quick and Easy Beans and Greens

Ingredients:
1 can black beans
1/3 cup red onion
1/2 red bell pepper (about 1/3 cup chopped)
1/2 bunch mustard greens
1.5 tbsp coconut oil
black pepper
sea salt
chili powder
garlic powder

Chop the onion, red pepper, and greens. Drain and rinse the beans. Heat a pan and add the coconut oil. Add the onions and saute a couple of minutes. Add the peppers and saute until the onions are translucent and the pepper is softened. Add the black beans and greens and stir to combine. Add spices to taste. (Sorry for the imprecise measurements on the spices, I never measure - just sprinkle and taste. I know, so old fashioned grandma-ish of me ;) Cook until the greens are cooked to your liking. I like them slightly wilted but not too shriveled.

I served this over brown rice for dinner. Both J-man and I ate two servings each. It was that good. And seriously, cooking the rice was the longest part of this meal. If you have some leftover rice in the fridge, or choose a grain with a shorter cook time, like couscous for instance, you'll have dinner for 2 adults and 1 toddler in less than 20 minutes from start to finish.

Here is the awful picture taken with my phone camera. Please forgive the blurriness, and don't even ask me why the rice looks like it glows in the dark.



There wasn't much left over, but I used what was left to combine with some eggs the next morning for a breakfast burrito with tomato and avocado. Yum!

This post is linked to Vegetarian Foodie Fridays!

For my formula feeding friends and family

I don't make it much of a secret that I have had a long, successful, satisfying breastfeeding relationship with SchmoopyBoy. (In fact, much longer than I had ever planned or expected). Nonetheless, although I think breastfeeding is great and I support the right of every woman to breastfeed in public and so on and so forth, it has never really occurred to me to consider myself a lactivist and I don't blog about breastfeeding much.

One of the reasons for this is that I personally know a number of women who, despite their best intentions to breastfeed their babies, had serious problems with breastfeeding and ended up turning to formula. I know some people would say, oh they just didn't have the right support, they gave up too soon, etc, etc. But I personally just don't see where it's my place to judge what is trying hard enough. Is torn and bleeding nipples, while simultaneously suffering from thrush (which I've heard basically feels like glass shards being pushed through your breasts every time they express milk), with a baby who was born tongue tied AND has a recessed jaw that would require extensive physical therapy in order to ever be able to develop a proper latch enough for one mother to bear before it is "ok" for her to stop trying to breastfeed? (True story, I'm not exaggerating this one woman's situation) There are so many reasons women stop trying to breastfeed an infant, and most of the women I know who stopped did so with regret and sadness and disappointment.

I have respect and sympathy for these women, not to mention they are family and friends for whom I care deeply. I'm not particularly interested in making anyone feel excluded who visits this site, so I don't post more about breastfeeding. I really liked Hobo Mama's post, formula feeders and bottle users welcome, which is my link for today. I tend to think a lot of 'natural parenting' sites can be a little exclusive to formula feeding mothers. This post is very inviting and welcoming and compassionate and lovely. OK, I'll stop gushing about it. Just go and read.

Happy Birthday Pa-Pa

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you and miss you. SchmoopyBoy misses you too. He is always pointing to pictures of you and exclaiming "Pa-Pa!". He asks me to draw pictures of you with his crayons. I don't do you justice, so I'll include this picture.



Ti-Ti (Auntie, my sister) made Schmoopyboy this shirt with the picture from his last visit with Pa-Pa. I love the way his facial expression is all like "What do you mean I'm not going to see Pa-Pa again? He's right here on my shirt. Duh."

Monday whine fest

Whine, Moan, Groan, Complain

Been fighting a migraine since yesterday afternoon. Dang, this sucker is stubborn.

Went to bed too late last night and had insomnia (see above for a reason) so I’m tired.

Stomach feels like a pit of glop for the above 2 reasons. It doesn’t help that I’ve eaten crap this morning. I meant to pick up a couple of bagels on my way to work, but I got out the door late so I settled for a donut and o.j. from 7-11 because it was quick and on the way. ugh. blech.

So why was I late getting out to work this morning? Without getting too graphic, I’ll just say we had an incident involving poop, carpet, and a little person who is interested in potty training but doesn’t quite get it yet.

sigh. It’s a bit after 9am. Can I go home and curl up in a little ball and go to bed now, please?

And yes, as a matter of fact, I would like some cheese with my whine. It might make my stomach feel better.